Regrets, Fear and Love
by Tvnut loves Jax Teller
Summary: Continuing with the BBC's idea of Mordred and how Arthur and Merlin rescued him, Merlin has retreated inside himself after he realises he has doomed Arthur to death, who will be the one to bring him out of his tightly shut shell? ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all! This is my first Merlin Fic, and hopefully it will turn out good. The inspiration for this story came from merlin S1E8**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN MERLIN, THE BBC DOES. (although i wish i owned Arthur... *drools*)**

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Merlin was sitting in his chambers, thinking about everything that had happened over the last week. Ever since he had rescued that druid boy, everything had gone downhill for him. But everything that had happened with the boy had affected Morgana the most. Gwen had told him that she had never seen anyone affect Morgana like that before, and that, along with the dragon's warning, had put Merlin on edge. He had made up his mind that he would not rescue the boy, but in the end, when the boy had spoke to him through his mind, and told him that they were alike, he had snapped, and in the spur of the moment, he had decided to rescue the boy, damn the consequences. He hadn't even thought of them until now. Arthur had come back, and as soon as Merlin had seen him, what he had done hit Merlin and he turned and ran away, because he couldn't face the fact that he had doomed Arthur to what was an untimely death, whether it be tomorrow or 40 years from now. Merlin had then locked himself in his little room, not even coming out to eat, or even whn Gaius had tried to coax him out. Arthur himself had come by twice to try and get Merlin to come out, he even tried threatening Merlin, but nothing worked. He just could not face Arthur, because he knew if he did, then everything would come crumbling down, and he would end up revealing things he should not, so he stayed locked in his room.

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After another week locked in his room, Merlin was starting to waste away. Gaius, Arthur, Gwen and even Morgana were worried about him. Eventually, Arthur decided enough was enough. He went to the armoury and got the biggest axe he could find there, and went to Gaius' chambers. He had made it his mission to get into Merlin's room and find out what was up with him. He barged into Gaius' chambers, and it was lucky the old man wasn't there, because he would have scared the old man half to death. Arthur stormed up to where Merlin's room was, and started hacking at it with the axe. It only took 3 swings for the door to fall off it's hinges. It fell into Merlin's room with a thundering crash. Merlin, who was huddled on his bed, jumped about 5 feet in the air when he heard the door crash. He had been so lost in his thoughts he hadn't heard Arthur storm into the room or start hacking at the door to his room.

Arthur's eyes flicked to the bed, and as soon as they saw Merlin, he filled with pity. Merlin's normally lithe frame was even skinnier. He hadn't eaten in two weeks, and he was literally skin and bones. Merlin's eyes were hollow, and empty. He was curled up in a ball on his bed, and was still in the clothes that Arthur had last seen him in, and he looked like he hadnt slept in the last two weeks. Arthur had never seen anything so pitiable in his life. He walked over to Merlin, and picked him up, and sat down, pulling Merlin into his lap, and put his arms around the young warlock, something he would never do for anyone, but Merlin just looked so pitiable he had to. At this moment, Arthur thought of the times that his father had the opportunity to do this for him, and never had.

Even though Merlin was weak, he still tried his hardest to pull away from Arthur's embrace, muttering all the while. Eventually Merlin stopped struggling to get out of Arthur's arms, but continued to mutter. After a while, Arthur pulled him in closer to his chest, cradling the young warlock, offering what comfort he could. As he pulled Merlin in close to him, he heard what the boy was muttering. It was "the boy, he'll be the one to kill you." Merlin was muttering this over and over. Arthur was confused, but he still kept Merlin on his lap, rocking him gently like an infant until the young warlock fell asleep in Arthur's lap.

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**Yes, i promise, smut will be present at some point in this story. this is only the beginning...**

**R&R!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Howdy all! yes i'm back with a new chapter, as i believe it's time for a new one. and as my friend NayClem's MSN icon so accurately states, Arthur/Merlin because the dragon said so!!! And i am now offering my services as a Beta, so go check out my beta page!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, the BBC does, but damn! I want to own Bradley James, or as we fondly know him, Arthur!**

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Five hours later, Arthur was still sitting on Merlin's bed, with Merlin still curled up in his arms. Arthur was rather uncomfortable, but he knew if he moved, Merlin would wake up, and would be unable to get back to sleep. Then, without warning, Gaius looked in Merlin's room, surprised that the door was on the floor, and when he saw the position that Arthur and Merlin were in, his jaw hit the floor. For starters, seeing Merlin asleep, and then seeing the position Arthur was in. It was a rarity to see Arthur, Crown Prince of Camelot helping someone in need. But then again, Gaius had rationalised to himself, Arthur and Merlin were closer than most master and servant partnerships, even if they weren't quite as close as friends. But, seeing Arthur in this particular position made Gaius think that Arthur actully cared for the young warlock more than he cared to admit. When Gaius walked up to the door, Arthur had not looked up, as he had not heard Gaius come in. This allowed Gaius to observe Arthur, and the position he was in with Merlin. Gaius made particular note of the expression on Arthur's face, which was a mix of pity, and love. Gaius had immediately backed out of the room quietly, and pulled the door up and made it at least appear shut, with a small smile on his face. He just knew that everything would begin to get better now.

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Just as Gaius came out of Merlin's room, leaving both in the position they had been in when he had opened the door, the door to his rooms opened and Uther stormed in.

"Gaius, have you seen my son? He hasn't been around all day, and is neglecting his duties!" Uther half shouted at Gaius. Gaius knew that Arthur would be able to hear every word of the conversation, and also knew that if Uther kept yelling, Merlin would wake up, and then all hell would break loose.

"Unfortunately, Sire, I haven't seen your son, but if I do, I will make sure to tell him that you request that he attends to his duties for the day. Also Sire, my charge has had a rough few weeks, as he has just learnt some grave news from back home, and this is the first time in nearly 3 weeks that he has been able to sleep, so both he and I would appreciate it if you could please make your voice just a little bit softer in volume. I mean no offense Sire, it just would help both him an I greatly if the poor boy was able to get some sleep." Gaius replied to Uther.

"Very well Gaius, I will go find someone to continue my search for my son, as I too have things that need attending to today." Uther said in a lower volume, and then walked out of Gaius' chambers. Gaius sighed in relief, and gathered the medicines he would need for the rest of the day, and walked out of his chambers to go make his deliveries.

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In Merlin's room, Arthur tightened his arms around the young warlock when he heard his father enter Gaius' chambers and start yelling. He heard every word of the conversation, and then after they had finished talking, both the older men had left the chambers to go about their business for the day. After the men had gone, Arthur had slightly let up on the pressure in his arms which were still wrapped around Merlin. But, as Athur was letting up on the pressure, Merlin burrowed into Arthur's body and pulled Arthur's arms tighter around himself. At this point, Arthur looked down at Merlin's face, and even though he still looked deathly tired, he had a small smile on his face, and Arthur noted this. He knew from this point on that he would do anything to see that small smile on Merlin's face during his waking hours, and to make that small smile into Merlin's usual big goofy grin that he displayed whenever he was truly happy. Arthur grinned at the thought of coming up with new ways every day to make Merlin smile. With that thought, Arthur streched out on Merlin's very small bed, bringing Merlin along with him, so the warlock was half draped over Arthur's body. At the movement of Arthur, Merlin had stirred and protested a small amount even though he still slept, but as soon as Arthur had settled down, Merlin burrowed back into Arthur's chest, and held him tightly, as if he was afraid Arthur would leave. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin, and the younger man smiled in his sleep slightly. Arthur grinned, and fell asleep, his last thoughts before he slept of Merlin.

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Gwen entered Gaius' chambers to check on Merlin. She hoped he was a little bit better. As she walked toward the room that Merlin stayed in, she noticed it was at an odd angle. So instead of opening the door, she looked through the slot between the door and the door frame, and saw Merlin curled up against Arthur's body, asleep. Arthur too was asleep, and they both had smiles on their faces, and looked content. Gwen walked away from the door, a smile on her face, because she was happy that Merlin had finally begun to heal. As she walked out of Gaius' chambers, she ran into Morgana who was also coming to check on Merlin, grabbed her hand and walked away from Gaius' chambers, saying softly "He's fine, he'll start to get better now."

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**Well? what did ya'll think? (yes i know, again with the american type talk! i cant help it i get bored so easily!) be kind! Review!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ladies and Gentlemen. I am back. I know most of you will say FINALLY, but thats how my muse is. He although very inspirational, is very fleeting. It just so happened that he decided to visit me while I was on holidays. This made me very happy, and I dare say will also make you very happy. I hope you enjoy the following chapter, and I will restate now that none of the characters or overall story arch from the BBC's Merlin belong to me, as if they did, I would be Guineviere (aka Arthur's QUEEN lol), and magic would be allowed in Camelot, and Uther executed for his persecution! lol ENJOY!!**

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A few hours later, Merlin was still asleep. Arthur was slightly uncomfortable as he had been in the same position for hours now, but he did not want to disturb the sleeping boy, as Merlin had been awake for days. Arthur did not know exactly how this had occurred, but he put it aside in concern for the younger boy's welfare. Arthur looked down at Merlin's bed, noticing just how small it actually was, and decided then to take the younger boy to his chambers, and they would be able to sleep much more comfortably in his bed. Arthur carefully got up, sliding out from underneath Merlin, who stirred a bit, but didn't wake up. Arthur stretched out the kinks in his body, then bent down to pick Merlin up. And this was where Merlin woke up and got feisty.

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As soon as Arthur picked Merlin up, the young warlock woke up, and seeing just what Arthur was doing, he started struggling against Arthur's arms. After Arthur attempted to shift the pulled upright broken door out of the way with a struggling Merlin in his arms, he gave up. He slung the boy over his shoulder with what appeared to be no effort whatsoever, and pulled the broken door out of the way, striding down the steps leading into Gaius' chambers, walked straight through the chambers, all the while ignoring the antics of Merlin as he struggled to get down from Arthur's broad shoulders. As Arthur reached the doors, they opened, and Gaius came back in, and after seeing Arthur and his burden, kept the door open. "I'm taking him to my chambers to keep a better eye on him." Arthur said to Gaius. The old physician nodded, as he knew more than he let on, Gaius always did.

Arthur strode through the halls towards his chamber with a now passive Merlin still slung over his shoulder. Arthur opened his door, and noticed that there had been some food placed in his room. He walked over to the table in front of his bed, and placed Merlin on it. He then picked some bread up of the plate, broke it in to small pieces, and started to feed it to Merlin. He did this slowly, as after having no food over the past week or so had deteriorated Merlin's ability to consume food. Arthur also made Merlin drink several goblets of water, getting as many fluids as he could into the younger man's body. As Merlin was fed, Arthur then grabbed a hunk of meat off the plate, and started to eat it as he placed more firewood into the fireplace, ensuring that the room would be heated for quite some time. In this time, Merlin had not been able to see Arthur, and became quite distressed. "Arthur!" Merlin cried. "Arthur, where are you? I can't find you! I need to keep you safe! Arthur? Where are you?" When Arthur heard this, he hurried over to Merlin from what he had been doing, quickly chewing and swallowing the last of the meat he had taken, he pulled a frantic Merlin's face toward his, and looked him straight in the eye, and calmed the young warlock down "I'm here Merlin. I never left and I never will. You are too precious to me."

Merlin calmed down after this, looking Arthur in the eyes, and visibly relaxed, before shrinking away from Arthur. Arthur had had enough. "Merlin, if it kills me, I will make sure that you will be able to be near me without shrinking away from you. I cannot and will not have that from you." Arthur then picked the younger boy up, and took him over to his bed. Arthur put Merlin in the bed, and slid in himself, pulling the warlock close to him, even though Merlin kept pulling away from him. Arthur started stroking Merlin's back, calming him enough to be able to sleep. Once Merlin had fallen asleep, Arthur looked at him, noticing just how the younger boy had changed in just a few weeks. He was thinner and bonier, if that was even possible. There were dark shadows under his eyes and he looked grey in complexion if that was even possible. Arthur hoped that by having Merlin stay in his rooms, that he would be able to look after the younger boy, and make him well again. Arthur could feel himself slowly start to drift asleep, and kissed Merlin on the forehead, and out of a sudden, strange impulse that he could not understand, he kissed Merlin on the lips. Merlin's lips were not what he imagined, but they were a mix of soft and slightly cracked, which left them feeling a bit rough. Arthur fell asleep with a smile on his face with the thought that he had just kissed Merlin.

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Arthur awoke with a start. He had heard a blade being drawn, and as such, woke up and reached for his sword which he had placed beside his bed earlier in the day. As he reached for the sword, he found it wasn't there, and that fully woke Arthur up. He sat up in bed, and looked over to where Merlin should be, and noticed he wasn't there. Arthur then looked frantically around the room, noticing that the entire room was spotless, cleaned to perfection, something that never happened when Merlin attended to him. He then saw the one thing out of place. The chair sitting in front of his bed, with his manservant in it. He then noticed the blood running from his manservant's arms, and looked at Merlin, horrified. There were deep cuts in his arms, and seeing them, that's when Arthur noticed his short sword, floating above Merlin's wrist, slowly dipping down, and slicing deeply again into his wrist. Without another thought, Arthur jumped out of the bed, ran to Merlin, grabbed the sword and threw it across the room, and grabbed Merlin's arms around the wrists, trying to prevent more blood from seeping out of Merlin's body. Arthur was frantic. He had no idea what to do for Merlin, so he yelled for help. It didn't do any good however, as Arthur soon saw Merlin inhale and exhale for the last time.

**Hahaha! I come back and I am evil! Flames keep me warm in my current cold winter! R&R people!**


	4. Chapter 4

**HOLA ALL! I thought it was time to post the next chapter of this story, seeing as how people keep asking me not to kill Merlin. Read and see!**

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Arthur was shocked. First he had found out that Merlin was a sorcerer, now Merlin was lying here in his arms, not breathing. He had no idea what to do. He knew if he took his hands off Merlin's wrists, the bleeding would increase. It had been 10 minutes now, and no-one had come. There was obviously no guards in the vicinity, otherwise they would have come running at his call. Tears started to leak out of Arthur's eyes and down his face, leaving clear trails. He had never cried over a servant before, but to him, Merlin was more than a servant to Arthur, he was his best friend, and if he was honest with himself, which Arthur was in this particular moment, Arthur had feelings for Merlin, the kind a man should have for a woman according to his father, but in Arthur's case, he had always liked men, and ever since Merlin had started working for him, he had wormed his way into Arthur's heart, slowly but surely.

Still with tears streaming down Arthur's face he let go of Merlin's wrists and pulled his arms around the skinny boy, crying harder over a death than he ever had before. His face was buried in younger boy's neck, tears leaking from his eyes onto Merlin's bared skin. As he was crying into Merlin, he didn't notice the yellow light emanating from Merlin's wrists, healing the self inflicted wounds. It was just after this happened that Merlin took in a deep breath as he came back to life.

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Merlin opened his eyes, taking in where he was. Why he was on the floor of Arthur's bedchambers was beyond him. Then he noticed all the blood on the floor, and Arthur's short sword unsheathed next to him, as he was on the floor next to the chair. He then realised that Arthur was holding onto him, sobbing into his neck, with blood all over his hands. He pulled Arthur away from him. "Where's all the blood coming from? Are you alright, sire?" Arthur looked up, shocked to Merlin alive and breathing. Arthur looked at Merlin, putting his hands on either side of Merlin's face, checking him over, looking at his wrists, looking intently into his eyes, and when it appeared that nothing was wrong he pulled Merlin into his arms, holding him tightly, as if never wanting to let go of Merlin, who at that particular point was more concerned with all the blood on the floor. Merlin felt a bit awkward being sat in Arthur's lap, and being held so tightly in his arms that he pulled away fairly quickly, leaving Arthur sitting in the pool of blood looking shocked. He quickly pulled Arthur up out of the blood pool, so that he could clean the stone floor as quickly as possible. When he saw that Arthur's clothes were also blood soaked, he quickly undressed and redressed a still shocked looking Arthur, quickly disposing of the blood soaked clothes. He then went to the storage room nearby, and pulled out cleaning materials, still not noticing the state his clothes were in, and walked back to Arthur's room to commence the cleaning.

During the cleaning up of Arthur's room, Merlin was lost in thought. He had no idea why there was blood on the floor or where it had come from. He was also puzzled as to why he had felt something different when in Arthur's lap, the feelings that he had been experiencing toward Arthur. Why this had happened he had no idea. Once he had finished cleaning, he noticed the state that his clothes were in, and went to the area that Arthur had demanded that Merlin have in Arthur's bedchambers (for convenience, Arthur had said) and quickly changed into some fresh clothes, and disposed of his ruined clothes and ruined cleaning equipment. He then moved over to Arthur, checking to make sure that he was not hurt in any manner, even though he had done a quick cursory check when he had changed the shocked Arthur to make sure that there was no major injuries. This time he did a more thorough check, and after finding that there was no injuries at all, and the only blood on Arthur was on his hands, he cleaned Arthur up, and placed him back on the bed.

As Merlin went to pull the covers back up to cover him, Arthur pulled Merlin into the bed, holding him close, whispering in his hair. Merlin strained to catch what he was saying and eventually he caught it. Arthur was saying "Merlin, please don't use magic to slice your wrists again, you mean way to much to me. Please don't leave me Merlin, I know you haven't been happy these last few weeks after what happened with Mordred, but I'll find a way to make you happy again, I promise." Merlin pulled away from Arthur again, only enough to see his face. Arthur looked up at Merlin, who had a confused look on his face. "I'm sorry what? You know about my magic? And slicing my wrists? And what is all this about Mordred and not being happy the past couple of weeks? The last thing I remember is being in the stocks for you every day for a week over that whole Sophia thing!"

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**HAHAHA! Yes I am very Evil! First I kill Merlin, then I give him amnesia! What next I wonder!! R&R!!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey Ya'll! I know its been FOREVER since I last uploaded a chapter to this story, so I figured i'd be nice and upload the latest chapter for you!**

**ENJOY!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Merlin, Arthur Pendragon and the BBC do. I just wish i owned Arthur!**

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Arthur sat up abruptly, as if standing to attention. His jaw dropped open. "What?" Arthur asked. "Are you telling me you don't remember anything that happened over the last few weeks??" His face had an incredulous look pasted across it. "You don't remember not eating, not sleeping, being catatonic for the past couple of weeks, and just now, slicing your own wrists with my short sword by MAGIC!!!" Merlin looked sheepish, ashamed, and horrified at the same time. He had no idea what he should do or say to Arthur, but what he didn't know, was that the young prince, although shocked that Merlin was a sorcerer, he had accepted everything about the young warlock as he loved they younger boy unconditionally, and did not want to see any harm come to him.

Arthur lay in bed, watching Merlin squirm, trying to figure out what he would say to the young prince, when Merlin felt a warm, firm hand on his shoulder, and looked over at Arthur, who had a warm smile on his face, and he pulled the younger boy into a hug, holding him close, breathing in Merlin's scent, which was warm and clean, with just a bit of something, which Arthur had not identified until now, but he now knew to be Merlin's magic, which made Merlin's scent his own. "It's ok Merlin, I wont breathe a word, this I swear to you."

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't have to say anything to Arthur which might incriminate himself. He pulled away from Arthur, and sat up, not facing him. "Arthur, there's a reason why I have to stay so close to you, and I'm not sure if you'll accept it or even like it. When I first got here, the dragon under the castle tried to contact me several times, and when I finally went to see him, he told me that I am to be by your side as you become the future king of the united land of Albion. At first I didn't want to, but as I got to know you, Arthur, I have seen that you will one day be worthy of that title, and I do want to be by your side, Arthur, you are a worthy man, and I -" Merlin turned toward Arthur, and looked into his eyes "I love you Arthur, I think I always have, and will never stop loving you."

Arthur's eyes widened at this admission, and as Merlin started to turn away, ashamed, Arthur grabbed his face, pulled it close to him, and kissed Merlin full on the mouth, pouring into the kiss his emotions, all the ones he could not express to the young boy verbally. Merlin's eye's widened at the start of the kiss, and then they slowly drifted shut, as Merlin started to respond to Arthur's probing, passionate lips. After a while, the two young men broke apart, breathing unevenly, from the heated, passionate kiss that they had just shared. The two boys looked into each other's eyes, not wanting to look away, Arthur drew Merlin into his arms, and pulled him down, back into the bed holding him tightly to his body. The two boys lay there, not wanting to leave each other's arms. The two young men kissed each other, revelling in their new found discovery, not ever wanting to stop, and eventually, they fell asleep, arms and legs wound around each other, smiles on their faces.

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The next morning, Uther was informed of a summit to do with magic in Cendrid's Kingdom, and decided to inform his son, so they could decide what to do about it. Uther walked into Arthur's room, knowing that at this time in the morning, his son would still be in bed, asleep, as his lazy manservant would not have woken him yet. As he walked over to Arthur's bed, he opened the hanging curtains, and saw his son and his son's manservant lying in the bed together, limbs entangled facing each other and smiles on their faces and Uther's jaw dropped with the sight that was right in front of his eyes. He was shocked. He had thought that he had brought up his son to be better than this, to not have to stoop this low, or at the very least, not get caught doing it. So, he did what he had to do. He grabbed Merlin's collar, pulled him from Arthur's grasp, dragged him outside the door and dropped him unceremoniously down the stairs around the corner from Arthur's room. He then walked back into Arthur's room, where he walked back over to Arthur's bed, where Arthur had sat up, bleary eyed, looking around for Merlin, when Uther shouted, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING???"

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**HAHAHA!!! Another Cliffie!! Ooh I'm bad!! hahaha!!**

**Read and Review Peeps!!**


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